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HalfEmptyHero
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 Posted: Sun May 15, 2011 3:23 am Post subject: Echoes in Space - Chapter One NOW POLLING! |
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[removed by author]
Last edited by HalfEmptyHero on Mon Feb 20, 2012 11:03 am; edited 7 times in total
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII
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| Posted: Sun May 15, 2011 4:30 am Post subject: I Think...... |
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A very well done beginning for a space reality story. *Claps* What a way to comit suicide....
Might wanna go re-read it a time'er two, I saw an out where there sould have been an our, and a few others. But not too many stumble points, kuudos! I would like to know more as to just why this got bit it, but I'm sure there'll be somthing about it laters...I like this chappy!
DP...DP.....Well, shoman that I am, I'd say doing the rescue asap, and like, walk in with the body durring the funeral. So, I'd go with an under-the-radar body retrival, bring it in durring the funeral, and blame it all on the capitan!
Nice collection of realism you're adding to IF, thnx Hero-kun! Watching for muches more happenin'!
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And my first Finished work Death Day
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HalfEmptyHero
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| Posted: Sun May 15, 2011 8:26 am Post subject: Re: I Think...... |
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| PopeAlessandrosXVIII wrote: | | Might wanna go re-read it a time'er two, I saw an out where there sould have been an our, and a few others. |
Fixed. Hopefully.
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| Posted: Sun May 15, 2011 9:43 am Post subject: |
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Very good! Love this,  I say they should do it while there is still time to catch the boy out in the space, otherwise he'll flaut off into the sun and be incinerated. The most possible thing you could do is report the captian and the girl to the "wife" if there was one. let him fight with his wife over a electronic device of some sort. While the two of you try to get the key and the other make sure he acts like he's sleeping on a bed, if someone wakes him, he should say he's going to the bathroom, or he can be at the funeral, while the one gets the keys, and then he says he's going to the bathroom. If trouble is brewing, I'm sure you can make something out of it.
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D-Lotus
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| Posted: Sun May 15, 2011 12:45 pm Post subject: |
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Intriguing scenario, although little background information as of yet. That's not a complaint, there are different ways to reveal the narrative. Stylistically it isn't fabulous, but it maintains an easy, brisk rhythm that suits the nature of the story. I can see myself getting immersed into the lives of the passengers and crew of ths space-ship, although I would appreciate getting to know some of the characters better. The captain, in fact, is your most well-developed character. He's a kind of an Ahab minus the rage; he's definitely got the pride, though.
I suggest that they carry out this operation as covertly as possible, since they don't want outright mutiny. Pinning the initiative on the captain would be an interesting turn of events, though.
Overall, a somber yet exciting start. Will continue to follow.
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HalfEmptyHero
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| Posted: Sun May 15, 2011 1:23 pm Post subject: |
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| D-Lotus wrote: | | Stylistically it isn't fabulous, but it maintains an easy, brisk rhythm that suits the nature of the story. |
The third person is unfortunately not my forte, but I've been trying to change things up lately. The shift from 3rd person into 1st person thought is a bit rough around the edges, and definitely needs some work, as does the dialogue. The dialogue itself is exactly as I wanted it, but all the "he said" "he replied" stuff annoys me. I need to work on that as well.
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Sun May 15, 2011 8:00 pm Post subject: |
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Fantastic start! Extremely immersive right from the start. I want more - a lot more. Information on the mission, things like that, could be helpful.
But I don't fault you for giving it to us a little bit at a time here. In fact, that's excellent delivery skills at work.
The only niggle I noted was Arctor became Actor later in the text. And I wasn't sure if the Private had intended suicide or not by the time the thing was complete. So I'm uncertain whether there's still a chance to save him right now but in the beginning it suggested that quick action might be capable of it but there were costs, I imagine fuel and precious air could be at risk here.
We're past making the decision whether to retrieve him or not. So I say if we're going to rebel, we do it flamboyantly. Presenting the body (if he's dead) during the middle of the funeral sounds just about right to me. And be prepared to launch a full on mutiny at that point. Thus perhaps some rumors should be circulated just before they leave.
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 CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...  
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HalfEmptyHero
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| Posted: Mon May 16, 2011 3:04 am Post subject: |
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| Thunderbird wrote: | | The only niggle I noted was Arctor became Actor later in the text. |
That was actually intentional and should only show up when the captain is speaking.
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Smee
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| Posted: Mon May 16, 2011 4:35 am Post subject: |
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The great catchup begins, and it begins here! With a brand new Skiffy story; that's just a coincidence!
A good read, HalfEH. The small details give hints that we're relatively early in the development of long-distance spaceflight. Fuel is still expensive, ships are still maintainance heavy, cryogenics possibly not well developed enough for the crew to sleep through the worst of the tedium.
Such things would certainly add significantly to the trials of spaceflight.
The chapter made the point. Morale is the most important thing. Arguably more important than a Captain's orders (although of course in the ideal world the Captain's orders would be the best for morale).
Our wouldbe rebels seem to think it would be good for morale, and if they can engineer it to seem like the Captain's idea, then that seems for the best. A crew having confidence in their Captain is additionally good for morale.
Quick typo I noticed:
| Quote: | | Jacked feared he might make the same ones. |
I look forward to more!
Happy Writing 
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HalfEmptyHero
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| Posted: Mon May 16, 2011 7:06 am Post subject: |
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| The poll is up.
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| Posted: Mon May 16, 2011 10:37 am Post subject: |
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Who knows what will happen with this poll. I'm anticipating the coming of a debate about intermixing ideas... 
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Thunderbird
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HalfEmptyHero
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| Posted: Tue May 17, 2011 3:08 am Post subject: |
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| Thunderbird wrote: | | Don't forget to claim your prize in the Stimulus Program Announcement in The City Center! |
I already did and already received the money 
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| Posted: Tue May 17, 2011 5:45 am Post subject: |
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Suddenly its a snake? :-O
 slithery I'm dying here, lets wait for more peeps. There is a new group coming, their from the werewolf cafe.
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII
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| Posted: Sun May 22, 2011 2:49 am Post subject: Poke |
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*Poookes* Mores? Ish der mores comin'?
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Bookwizard
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| Posted: Thu Jun 09, 2011 3:53 pm Post subject: |
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This is great so far! Waiting for more
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Mattheus
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| Posted: Fri Jun 10, 2011 2:56 pm Post subject: |
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| Looks like I missed the vote, oh well next time. Enjoyed reading this one and looking forward to the next chapter.
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