 |
 |
 |
 |
|
| Author |
Chapter |
PopeAlessandrosXVIII
Arts and Poetry Mod
Joined: 10 Oct 2010
Topics: 122
Posts: 1858
Location: Surrounded by many beautiful naked men
Items
Legends
13801 Fables
Strata-gems
|
 Posted: Fri Apr 05, 2013 7:56 pm Post subject: Chapter Seven - Alliances |
 |
|
Chapter Seven – Alliances
After a tense moment another body comes flying through the doorway and the woman leaps to the side. Her hand comes down as it passes, striking it hard in the head. The bright pink color the figure is clad in makes my shoulders tighten. Too confused about the situation, and the fact that Garret doesn't seem to react keeps me still, waiting for a signal. Perhaps even some direction as to what to do. A few moments later another person enters and all eyes shift towards it. Tall, built, and more than a little intimidating I can not help but feel my stomach sink. 'Are they enemies? But, they seem to be fighting the ones in pink' My eyes drift again to the woman who is currently kneeling over her fallen foe. Out of the corner of my eye I spot Garret relaxing as the man turns to survey us. Despite his size his clothes hang loose and the sleeveless top gives him a rumpled look. The baggy pants are cinched at the bottom by tall boots made of some sort of shiny material.
My own body relaxes as Garret steps forward with his hand up. “Henn, my friend. Talk about timing.” Garret says, a slight laugh in his voice. Slipping my weapon back into it's sheath I step back towards the table, eyes still locked on our new guests.
The man nods, taking Garrets hand in his own and giving a squeeze. “Indeed. I had no idea you were around today. . . .” The look in his eye speaks of one getting caught doing something they may not have had permission to do. The woman stands, only casting a quick glance my way before turning to the one Garret called Henn.
“Got him secured Henn.” She grins at Garret. “And what he means is that he wanted to use the apartment today, and you're in the way.” Garret laughs slightly, looking away before giving a nod.
“I kinda figured that. Unfortunately my friend this is the last place you want to be right now. My life has become a lot more interesting since last we spoke.” At his words the three of them look towards me.
The woman makes a tutting noise with her tongue, “I see.” She says with a smile.
The insinuation is not lost on me and as Garret begins objecting to it I speak up. I say the first thing that comes to my mind. “Unfortunately dear lady, I do not believe he could afford me.” I hear a small laugh from around my ankles before the man and woman bust into laughter as well. Garret turns a lovely shade of scarlet and marches over to my. I allow him a single slug to my arm before turning my attention to the ones hiding under the table.
Over my shoulder I hear the woman's voice, still choked with laughter. “Oh, wow, Garret is it? He's a keeper.” The man grunts an agreement and I see Garret shuffle on the spot.
Rex, Shait still standing on the slight flat area around the Murry's hips and clutching his shoulders, scuttles forward slightly. Keeping my voice low I whisper, “Shait, just stay atop Rex and I will lift you both. Be careful not to touch me Shait. I do not know how these newcomers will react, nor if I even wish them to know about us entirely.” Shait adopts a disgruntled look but nods.
A scraping noise behind me catches my attention. I turn my head to find the source of the noise and watch as Henn Picks up the door and props it up in it's proper place. Turning back I listen to the conversation behind me as Rex makes his way over to me and starts carefully climbing on to my outstretched hands.
“So why are they after you Henn?” Garret inquires.
“No idea actually. No idea why he was even in the area. We really weren't planning on this, but then again, I always look forward to knocking a few of them Prinkies down a notch or two.” Henn lets out a little laugh.
“You got that right.” Melphi chips in. As soon as Rex is situated, two claws on either palm with his back to me, I stand slowly. Shait looks up at me before ducking down a bit. A slight grin tugs at my lips at his shyness.
As I turn around Garret glances towards me. “You know, this may be a meeting of fates.” He murmurs. The two near the door look towards the objects in my arms. The woman blinks several times and the man grins.
“Well if that isn't an interesting piece of work there. It can't be your Garret, you don't do that kind of work.” Henn eyes me. “Is this your work …?” His voice trails off in question. I remain silent for several seconds, trying to decide on my answer.
Garret walks over to me, placing a hand on my shoulder. “No, no, this isn't his work. Little Rex here was made by that kid I told you about. You know, the one who agrees with you, Calib.” Henn nods, understanding flashing across his face. The woman still seems a bit confused and looks between the two of them. Garret gives my arm a slight pat and I watch as Shait tightens his grip on Rex. “And this here is Lista.” In an instant I realizes that Garret had given away much more than he intended.
The large man laughs, his brows furrowed. “You can't mean that Lista? The one Calib is always talking your ear off about. I mean, that's just not. . . . . .” Henn's eyes widen. Carefully I bring my hands up to my left shoulder and shift them so Rex moves on to it. I try to keep my gaze neutral as realization seems to dawn on the man. “Because if he is, then. . . . .”
At my side Garret flinches. Henn step towards me and I hear Rex hiss. His clawed feet tighten slightly and I feel a small hand take hold of my ear. A part of me can feel that he means no harm, but it does not stop me from shifting closer to Garret so that he is slightly between Henn and myself. Garret holds up a hand between us. Turning his head slightly he speaks in a low voice. “Forgive me? I didn't really mean for it to come out like that. Although, I had the feeling that I wanted him to know at some point.” He turns a little further so he can look into my eyes. A touch of shame mixed in with his honest concern gives him a truly pathetic look. “Henn has a large backing. He's not the head of his group, but if I play this right, we may be able to get an extra hand in helping us rescue Calib. That's the most important thing, right?”
The gnawing in my belly eases a little and I look past Garret to the man. 'Yes. Rescuing Mater Calib is the most important thing. I will never deny that, and if this man can help. . . . .' With a nod I murmur, “I have no problem with this, though I ask you not mention the means of my coming here.” Garret lets out a large sigh and nods.
“No problem. I understand.” Turning back to the silent pair watching the exchange he smiles. “Yes Henn, this is THE Lista. I can't go into it now, but he's come here for a very important reason.” Garret motions towards the table and the two reluctantly move to sit. Henn has to pull the chair out rather far, his knees too tall to fit properly under the table, and Melphi spins the chair around to straddle the back as she sits. I make my way to the kitchen to scrounge around for something to nibble on while Garret fills them in on what's happening. He is careful to leave out any mention of just what Master Calib had been working on that got him in trouble other than it had something to do with helping my world.
My attention drifts away from their conversation as my mind wanders to Master Calib and what may be happening to him now. 'I know what prisons are like where I come from, but surely they are different here? Or are such things the same wherever one goes. . . I pray not' Crossing my arms I rest them on the smooth surface of the counter before me. The cool touch feels soothing. 'Garret does not seem worried about Master Calib sustaining injury. He seems more concerned about Master Calib being unable to continue his work. He is without a doubt Master Calib's friend, so one would think that if there was a risk of injury, that would be at the forefront of his mind to worry about' My thoughts run in circles for a long time.
My thoughts are at last broken at someone clearing their throat behind me. I refrain from jumping, instead turning carefully around to face the one who coughed. The woman stands a few feet away, her arms crossed beneath her chest, a smile on her face. Garret is a bit to her right, likewise with a smile. I let out a cough of my own, my eyes darting about in search of Henn. As if reading my mind the woman chuckles, “Henn's gone back to headquarters. We came up with a kinda plan to rescue this 'Calib' and now all we gotta do is iron out the details.” She points at Rex and I feel him tighten his grip. “With the help of you and your little gadget there, we have a real good shot at pulling this off.”
Garret steps a little closer. “She's right. It'll just involve the five of us, but if we're successful, Calib will be free day after tomorrow!” The joy in Garret's voice sends a thrill through me, a smile finding it's way to my lips. Unable to think of what to say, I simply smile at them in turn before reaching up to stroke Rex's leg. He shifts his weight a bit as I do so.
“I will help. I must help. Mister Calib must be rescued.” Rex chirps.
The woman laughs at the declaration. “That's right our little Murry friend, he must be rescued. And in order to get things started, we need to do a little relocation.” She motions for us to follow her and she makes her way to the once again empty doorway. My heart races with a new hope. We're on our way to rescuing Master Calib. Garret throws the overcoat from Master's wardrobe at me as I make my way after the woman. I slip it on carefully, making sure not to knock off Rex and Shait. The former re-situates himself on top of the coat. After a quick glance down both sides of the hall, Melphi sets off towards our next destination, Garret and I in tow.
_________________
To Be A Knight
And my first Finished work Death Day
Last edited by PopeAlessandrosXVIII on Fri Jun 14, 2013 3:12 am; edited 2 times in total
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
 |
|
 |
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Seraphi
General Fiction Mod
Joined: 25 Oct 2012
Topics: 2
Posts: 503
Location: Penna, having a hot cup of tea
Items
Legends
5512 Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Sat Apr 06, 2013 8:13 pm Post subject: Re: Chapter Seven - Alliances |
|
|
Hooray! Another chapter! Fantastic work, Pope. I love the two characters you've added to the fray, they are very likable.
Found one typo:
| PopeAlessandrosXVIII wrote: | | He is without a doubt Mater Calib's friend, so one would think that if there was a risk of injury, that would be at the forefront of his mind to worry about |
Master
For the DP...their destination has to be somewhere secret, or at least well hidden. I say, they take a back stairwell out of the building and make their way into a set of complex tunnels beneath the city. There's bound to be tons of hidden passages and secret coves to lodge a resistance group in. 
Keep up the great work, Pope! 
_________________
"The aim of literary ambition is to demonstrate one's greatness of soul."
-Mason Cooley
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
PopeAlessandrosXVIII
Arts and Poetry Mod
Joined: 10 Oct 2010
Topics: 122
Posts: 1858
Location: Surrounded by many beautiful naked men
Items
Legends
13801 Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Sat Apr 06, 2013 9:34 pm Post subject: Post |
|
|
Thanks for the read Seraphi-chan! Overjoyed that you like it, and great idea. I will do my best to keep on pleasing 
_________________
To Be A Knight
And my first Finished work Death Day
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
PopeAlessandrosXVIII
Arts and Poetry Mod
Joined: 10 Oct 2010
Topics: 122
Posts: 1858
Location: Surrounded by many beautiful naked men
Items
Legends
13801 Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Wed May 15, 2013 6:40 am Post subject: |
|
|
Any more suggestions rolling in? If not, I'll just be going with Seraphi-chan's, To Be A Knight's #1 fan I'll give it 3 more days before either continuing or polling.
_________________
To Be A Knight
And my first Finished work Death Day
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Chapter |
PopeAlessandrosXVIII
Arts and Poetry Mod
Joined: 10 Oct 2010
Topics: 122
Posts: 1858
Location: Surrounded by many beautiful naked men
Items
Legends
13801 Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Sat May 18, 2013 2:59 pm Post subject: Chapter Eight - Underground |
|
|
Chapter Eight – Underground
I follow close behind the woman as she makes her way down the sunlit hallway, Garret behind me. My eyes shift to look out the windows lining the long hallway and I am once again struck by the sheer lack of any living thing. Metal, glass, and other such gleaming things as far as the eye can see. Out of the corner of my eye I can see Shait too looking outside to the dead world below. “So different. So strange.” He murmurs in my ear. I simply nod in return. Once we reach the end of the hallway my attention returns to the woman. I'm a bit surprised when she pulls open a door leading to a darkened staircase.
'This must be the first door I've seen in this world that doesn't slide into the wall when it opens' I muse, feeling a little comfort at the slight familiarity. The stairs are made of dark metals and resonate slightly with each step we take. I feel Rex grip my ear tightly as the jolt of each step threatens to knock him from his perch. My heart is still racing, the thought of our task being so close to being complete making me almost giddy. After several flights of stairs we at last reach what looks to be the bottom. The woman holds a hand out and moves to the right of the stairs. Looking strait ahead my brows furrow. “Are we not going to use this door?” I ask, pointing at a large door with strange markings on it.
Garret moves up next to me, peering around the stairs to where The woman is now running her hands over a blank wall. “No, I don't think that would be wise. See, the door leads to the Lobby. That big room right inside the building where we first came in last night. I'm guessing Melphi here's got a trick up her sleeve though.” Moving slowly I take the last few steps so that I'm level with Melphi. She continues running her hands over the wall. My right hand, still holding the railing running the length of the stairs, tightens as I feel faint prickling on my skin.
She glances over her shoulder and gives me a wink. “Yep, I'm just chocked full of tricks.” She chuckles. An instant later the wall seems to dissolve leaving a hole the size of a small doorway. She exhales slowly and my eyes narrow as I spy beads of sweat on her brow.
Stepping closer I give her a quizzical look. “That, was difficult?”
Turning around so that her back is against the wall beside the hole she nods at my question. “Yeah, but not too bad. I normally have an Amp with me, but I didn't think this run would require one.” She lets out another sigh and I refrain from asking what an 'Amp' is. She looks over at me, a look on her face I don't quite recognize. My confusion makes my stomach clench slightly and I look away from her.
“You should be careful. Let me give you a once over when we get to the base, alright?” Garret chides as he walks down the steps and over to the woman. “What?” He asks suddenly, coming to a halt. I look back to them and I see them both staring at me. Melphi's eyes are narrowed, looking at Rex while Garret just seems confused.
On instinct I step away from them. Melphi points at the machine perched on my shoulder. “I could have sworn that for a moment that thing had two heads.” My eyebrows rise and Garret laughs.
He motions to Melphi. “May I?” he asks. It takes a moment to realize that he hadn't told them about Shait. I know I ask discretion, but Shait is kind of important. I give him a nod. Melphi looks between the two of us, her eyes narrowed in suspicion. “Sorry Melphi. Shait is really shy it seems. He came here with Lista. The second head you saw was his. He. . . .” His voice trails off. She looks over at him.
'Must be trying to figure out how to explain why he's still small while I'm normal sized' I hold a hand up and they both look to me. “Master Calib's research made it possible for me to attain this size. Shait is safer for now the size he is. He can grow as I do, but I prefer he not right now.” My own explanation sounds hollow to my ears. Avoiding telling the whole truth gives me an empty feeling. I am not use to such dances around the truths. She continues to stare at me for several seconds, Garret eying her a little warily. I stare back. I feel my nerves relax a bit as an understanding passes between us. She smiles, and the trust I feel from her in it feels quite foreign, but comforting none the less.
“Alrighty then, whatever. Things are the way they are.” And with that declaration she pushes off the wall and motions for us to go through. The faint sound of rushing water and an odd hum surrounds us as we wait just inside the opening for her to re-seal it. Once it's an unblemished wall again she reaches out and holds Garret's shoulder to steady herself as she leads the way into the darkness. Reaching up I place a hand on the wall. I keep my ears pricked up as t not lose the others in the inky blackness. The hum and rush of water gets slowly louder as we move steadily onwards. I can feel the ground slopping gently downwards, and as we continue the air around us grows cooler.
As a slight shiver runs through me I notice that the darkness is lessening. Ahead the glow of yellow light makes me think that we must have reached an exit. The rush of water is much louder now and my thoughts turn to a river. We take a final bend and a doorway appears several paces ahead. After the darkness I can't see what lay beyond it, but the sight seems to liven up my traveling companions. Melphi steps away from Garret, giving him a grateful pat on the shoulder before picking up her pace. “We're almost to the main junction. From there it's only a short trip down the hall and through a couple of pipes and we'll be at the main meeting place of the local faction.” She says. Her voice echoes slightly, and I barely catch her words over the roar of rushing water.
As she vanishes into the light I move past Garret, a bit eager to see what lay beyond that wall of yellow. My eyes adjust quickly and my breath catches in my throat. Extending as far as the eye can see to my right and left seems to be a perfectly square hallway, the corners perfectly aligned. Down each side is a walkway made of bright white stone with glowing yellow lights lining the walls, which are likewise stark white. But it's what's running down the middle that fills me with wonder. What I had mistaken for water, and by it's actions rightly so, is instead a rainbow of different colored liquid. Like the lights running through the top of the Scoour, but thicker, and the myriad of colors is multiplied ten fold. I kneel down carefully to get a closer look, my eyes wide with awe.
Unlike when one mixes paints together to make new colors, the lights in the river seem to stay separate from one another. The flow side by side with other colors, but never blend. I almost start as what looks like sparks jump off the surface directly beneath where I am looking before skittering down the stream. I follow the sparks until they fall back into the flow of light. A warm hand on my shoulder draws my attention away from the beauty. Looking up at the owner of the hand I can't hold back a large grin as Garret chuckles down at me. “I see you like our recycling system.” he says over the roar. I nod vigorously, standing slowly. A slight glow of embarrassment touches my heart as both Garret and Melphi laugh loudly at my enthusiastic response.
Motioning towards Melphi Garret begins walking, a hand to my back to propel me forward. I walk beside him with little resistance and Melphi begins leading the way again. Without waiting for me to ask, Garret begins telling me about the recycling system. “In this city most of what we have runs off mahou. Like the Scoour, the stove I cooked our food on, and the fridge that the food is stored in to keep it fresh.” He motions to the river of lights. “That stuff there is used mahou. It's still full of energy, but it needs to be scrubbed and recharged before it can be used again. Devices like the one on the Scoour make scrubbing unnecessary, but most things that run off mahou don't have a self cleansing system. In other words, the mahou I used last night to cook our dinner , after I used it, came down through the pipes and flowed into this chute.”
He points behind us. “The mahou flows down that way and into a facility designed for the scrub. There, a large group of Magitechs like me, as well as a few Magicicst work the mahou until it's useable again. From there it's piped to where it's needed.” My mind whirs, images of men and woman around a large pool of these lights, casting their hands over it, causing it to move as they will. I'm fairly positive that that is not how it works, but the image makes me smile anyways. Just then Melphi turns left. Garret and I quickly catch up to her. In the wall she's facing there is a perfectly round hole, about two thirds of my height across and a few feet off the ground.
“This is the pipe. Just through here, take a left, another pipe, and we'll be at the base!” She declares triumphantly. I let my eyes wander one last time to the stream of colors as she climbs up into the pipe. I let it's beauty wash over me before turning to mount the pipe. Rex slides carefully from my shoulder and skitters along ahead of me as I hoist myself into the smaller space. Bending down only slightly I pity both Garret and Melphi as they have to crawl down the pipe. Once at the other side I hop down from the pipe and hold out my hand for Rex. As he makes his way up my arm I survey the small area. A lot darker than the tunnel from before, the only source of light seems to come from high above. The stone of this room is dark brown and several pipes lead off in different directions. Looking up I see more pipes leading out of the room all along the tall shaft.
Melphi walks over to the pipe second to the right of the one we just came out of and climbs in. A stray thought runs through my mind. 'Henn is a big man. How does he fit through these pipes?' I refrain from asking the question aloud and instead follow the woman into the darkness. After several feet I lose the ability to see anything and instead strain my ears.
Holding my hand out as to not run into anything I jump slightly as my hand lands on Melphi's backside. “Now now, none of that.” She laughs as I pull my hand back, placing it instead on the side of the pipe. “Wait here, I need to open the door.” I hear a scraping noise as she moves away from us, followed by a slight thump. I feel myself jump again as something scrapes across my boot. Taking a breath I resist the urge to kick out, telling myself it's most likely Rex, trying to get closer to me. After a few more minutes of silence a light appears out of nowhere and I throw a hand up to block it out a bit. “Alright.” I hear Melphi call out. “C'mon over.” At my feet Rex scuttles forward and stops at the edge of the pipe, waiting for me.
Watching my step I slowly slide out of the pipe and hold my arm out for the Murry. As he makes his way up to my shoulder I look into the light, willing my eyes to adjust. The light is different from the stuff in the tunnels. It's white, like the clear sunlight of midday. We move into a small room that seems to be attached to a much larger area. I see several people pass by, some glancing in our direction while most ignore us. Garret's hand on my back propels me slowly forward. The large room is short, only a few heads higher than the tallest man. In the middle is a table with very short legs surrounded by people on large pillows and cushion. On the table itself are many open parchments, the color of clouds rather than the brown shade of the parchments from my homeland. My eyes wander about the room, taking in the many small groups of people lounging about laughing to one another, or leaning in close as if discussing secret matters.
Melphi leads us out of the room through one of the many doorways into a hallway. The hall is lined with open doorways along it's length. Peeking into them as we pass I feel a bit of puzzlement seep in. 'These appear to be bedrooms, but if that is so, why are there no doors?' Turning to Garret I ask him about the doors. It's Melphi that answers.
“In a group like this, trust is paramount. By having no doors, the likelihood of having a spy in our midst decreases dramaticly.” She points to her left as she passes a doorway. As I pass I look in to find two people getting intimate. I turn my eyes back to Melphi and she seems a little disappointed at my lack of reaction. Behind me I hear Garret squeak and his pace quicken. She seems satisfied with his reaction and continues. “The level of comfort with one another here is higher than most spies could ever hope to emulate. We've had a few, but they were easy to spot after a week or two.” Her explanation makes sense. After a few more doorways I hear someone call out Melphi's name. I recognize the voice.
She turns into the room the voice came from, Garret and I on her heels. Stretched out on a pile of large pillows near the back wall is Henn. His shirt is draped over a small wooden chair off to the side of the room. My eyes rove over the many scars littering his chest and shoulders. Unconsciously my right hand comes up and grips my shoulder where I carry a scar from an injury that had almost cost me my arm. He spots the motion and gives me a smile. My body is littered with scars just like his, but perhaps not as many. 'Then again, he's had more years to accumulate them' I muse. Melphi wanders over to him and plops down on one of the pillows in front of him. She leans back so that her back is resting on his stomach and I watch with a smile as he gives her shoulder a quick squeeze.
Looking to my left I pick a pile of pillows. Leaning down carefully I set Rex and Shait down on the solid ground before falling back on the pillows and pulling my boots off. My eyes follow Garret as he picks a pile along the left hand wall and follow suit. I hear a bit of spluttering and lean up a bit to see Henn pointing at Rex. My stomach tightens but as Melphi looks to me I hesitate only a moment before giving her a nod. As she begins telling him about Shait I motion for Rex to come over to me. Staying on the gray stone floor as long as he can he carefully mounts the pillows close to my left hand. Just as Melphi finishes her explanation I reach out for Shait. He stares at me for several seconds then ever so slowly, he takes hold of my finger. I pull him forward a bit so he doesn't squish Rex and the others turn to watch as Shait grows to his full size.
Without hesitation he tries to bury himself between the pillows and myself, his face pressed into my chest. The others laugh as I bring up a hand to smooth his hair down. “So, not only can't Garret afford you, but you also seem to already be taken!” I hear Melphi call from the other side of the small room. Shait stills and I feel my stomach turn over and tighten. Unaware of her blunder she turns to Garret. “So, do you think this little guy here will change the plans any? I don't see him going far from Lista if he can help it.”
Garret shakes his head. “No, I kinda factored him in on my own. It should be fine.” She nods, looking back to me.
“So, about the plan. . . . .” she begins.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Sorry for the long delay Quite a long one this time, no? Well, here we are, the rescue plan! What is, the rescue plan? You can be as detailed or as simplistic as you like. Just a few factors to keep in mind. Only the six in the room are going to be any part of the rescue, and Rex plays a pivotal roll!
Again, sorry for the long wait, I hope you all enjoy!
_________________
To Be A Knight
And my first Finished work Death Day
Last edited by PopeAlessandrosXVIII on Fri Jun 14, 2013 3:12 am; edited 2 times in total
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
sagittaeri
Scifi/Experimental Mod
Joined: 05 May 2012
Topics: 16
Posts: 367
Items
Legends
2730 Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Wed May 29, 2013 7:40 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Just wanna say....great job pope! Hehe I'm kinda excited for the action scene that will surely happen soon. Love all the new characters!
I haven't yet decided on the plan yet, but I'll post again when I have.
_________________
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
PopeAlessandrosXVIII
Arts and Poetry Mod
Joined: 10 Oct 2010
Topics: 122
Posts: 1858
Location: Surrounded by many beautiful naked men
Items
Legends
13801 Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Sun Jun 02, 2013 7:04 pm Post subject: Thanks |
|
|
Thanks for reading Sagi-kun. I can't wait to see what plan you come up with! I'm glad you're looking forward to the next installment.
_________________
To Be A Knight
And my first Finished work Death Day
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Seraphi
General Fiction Mod
Joined: 25 Oct 2012
Topics: 2
Posts: 503
Location: Penna, having a hot cup of tea
Items
Legends
5512 Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Fri Jun 07, 2013 6:45 pm Post subject: Re: Chapter Eight - Underground |
|
|
Hey Pope! Great new chapter! I was trying to hold off posting until I had an idea of the plan formulated to put in as well, but it is taking longer than I expected to think of something good (sorry ^^'). So for now I'll just put in my two cents.
| PopeAlessandrosXVIII wrote: | | I follow close behind the woman as she makes her way down the sunlit hallway. Garret follows behind. |
I would suggest combining these two sentences. Maybe something like: "I follow closely behind the woman as she makes her way down the hallway, Garret behind me" (or bringing up the rear or whatever you think sounds best). The two sentences now are a bit jarring, but together I think the flow will be smoother.
| PopeAlessandrosXVIII wrote: | | Out of the corner of my eye I can see Shait too looking outside to the dead world bellow. |
Below
| PopeAlessandrosXVIII wrote: | | She lets out another sigh and I refrain from asking what and 'Amp' is. |
An
| PopeAlessandrosXVIII wrote: | | Avoiding tell the whole truth gives mya empty feeling. |
Me an
| PopeAlessandrosXVIII wrote: | | He voice echoes slightly, and I barely catch her words over the now roar of rushing water. |
Her. The wording of the last part sounds a little odd. Maybe change it to: "now roaring rush of water" or just remove the now.
| PopeAlessandrosXVIII wrote: | | I almost just as what looks like sparks jump off the surface directly beneath where I am looking before skittering down the stream. |
Jump? If that is what it should be then I would suggest changing the jump that comes later in the sentence to "burst" or something similar.
| PopeAlessandrosXVIII wrote: | | In other words, the mahou I used last night to cook out dinner, after I used it, came down through the pipes and flowed into this chute.” |
Our.
| PopeAlessandrosXVIII wrote: | | The stone of this room is dark brown and several pips lead off in different directions. |
Pipes.
| PopeAlessandrosXVIII wrote: | | Holding my hand out as to not run into anything I jump slightly as my hand lands of Melphi's backside. |
On.
| PopeAlessandrosXVIII wrote: | | Melphi leads us put of the room through one of the many doorways into a hallway. |
Out.
| PopeAlessandrosXVIII wrote: | | Behind me I head Garret squeak and his pace quicken. |
Hear.
| PopeAlessandrosXVIII wrote: | | She leans back so that her back is resting on his stomach and watch with a smile as he gives her shoulder a quick squeeze. |
Add "I"
I know I mentioned this in the Inn, but I really love your description throughout this story. Especially of the mahou in this chapter. Keep it up!
(Plan to come soon. Promise!)
_________________
"The aim of literary ambition is to demonstrate one's greatness of soul."
-Mason Cooley
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
PopeAlessandrosXVIII
Arts and Poetry Mod
Joined: 10 Oct 2010
Topics: 122
Posts: 1858
Location: Surrounded by many beautiful naked men
Items
Legends
13801 Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Sat Jun 08, 2013 2:24 am Post subject: Post |
|
|
Thanks for the help catching all the mistakes I made. I really suck at spotting those. I can't wait to see what you two come up with. Here's a thought, if you're having such a hard time alone, you guys could conspire together on and plan. What do you think?
_________________
To Be A Knight
And my first Finished work Death Day
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
sagittaeri
Scifi/Experimental Mod
Joined: 05 May 2012
Topics: 16
Posts: 367
Items
Legends
2730 Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Sat Jun 08, 2013 7:24 am Post subject: |
|
|
Oooh I like that idea. I'm gonna catch Seraphi on the Inn for this!
_________________
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
PopeAlessandrosXVIII
Arts and Poetry Mod
Joined: 10 Oct 2010
Topics: 122
Posts: 1858
Location: Surrounded by many beautiful naked men
Items
Legends
13801 Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Sat Jun 08, 2013 5:46 pm Post subject: Post |
|
|
Glad I could help *Grin*
_________________
To Be A Knight
And my first Finished work Death Day
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
PopeAlessandrosXVIII
Arts and Poetry Mod
Joined: 10 Oct 2010
Topics: 122
Posts: 1858
Location: Surrounded by many beautiful naked men
Items
Legends
13801 Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Mon Jun 24, 2013 8:10 am Post subject: Ummnnnssss. . . . . . |
|
|
*Tickles Seraphi-chan and Sagi-kun* ne ne, you two should meet soon I'd also love anyone else's plans
_________________
To Be A Knight
And my first Finished work Death Day
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
PopeAlessandrosXVIII
Arts and Poetry Mod
Joined: 10 Oct 2010
Topics: 122
Posts: 1858
Location: Surrounded by many beautiful naked men
Items
Legends
13801 Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Wed Jan 01, 2014 11:00 am Post subject: Post |
|
|
I'ma go ahead with my own plan if I don't get one soon. I can't stand me SGs being so dead. . . Poor things. . . . .
_________________
To Be A Knight
And my first Finished work Death Day
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
HalfEmptyHero
Headmaster of the Academy
Joined: 16 Feb 2009
Topics: 33
Posts: 342
Location: Where rolls the Oregon, and hears no sound
Items
Legends
2781 Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Mon Jan 06, 2014 1:47 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| How very exciting! I await the next chapter.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
PopeAlessandrosXVIII
Arts and Poetry Mod
Joined: 10 Oct 2010
Topics: 122
Posts: 1858
Location: Surrounded by many beautiful naked men
Items
Legends
13801 Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Mon Apr 28, 2014 4:58 am Post subject: Plan |
|
|
M'kay, I see no plan on the horizon. I'll be getting up a new chapter sometime this week.
_________________
To Be A Knight
And my first Finished work Death Day
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 |
